This is directly from a journal entry that I wrote yesterday morning. I really wanted to share it with you all, and I decided that I would just go ahead and post it mostly as is with little to no editing.
I ate some chocolate yesterday, and the world didn't end.
I had bought a bar of Patrick 75% dark the day before in a fit of pique over the fact that I had been feeling so horrible. It was kind of one of those 'if I'm still feeling like crap over a month into this, than what's the point?!' moments. I'm not proud of it, but that's honest. Oddly enough, I didn't eat it immediately when I got home. It sat in my purse for more than a day.
And the weird thing is, I'm not all that sure I wanted to eat it yesterday. Actually, I know I was ambivalent about it. I had thought about it on and off all day, and could really take it or leave it. When it came right down to it, I ate it because it was there...not because I actually wanted the chocolate.
But eat it, I did.
I didn't enjoy it all that much...Surprise!
True, the first smell was almost overwhelmingly intoxicating. A girl could get drunk off that smell. The first taste was good...but no where near the amazing experience I remembered. It was a bit of a letdown, actually. I ate it slowly over the course of 30-45 minutes. By half way through, it had lost it's magic. By 2/3 the way, I wondered if I really wanted to finish it. All the way, and huh? Why had I eaten it? What was so special about that? It had done practically nothing for me on a nutritional level and wasn't that much fun anyway. A little while later, the taste still lingering in my mouth, I was actually rather turned off. Yuck.
Absolutely, I paid for it. Chocolate has always been a 'lower consequence' cheat, and so it's not near as bad as many other foods are. I had trouble sleeping last night, which seems to be the main consequence. I wouldn't be at all surprised if my face broke out and/or if I had a headache later on. I'm a bit gassy this AM, which could be the chocolate or it could be the leftover from being sick. (In fact, I had trouble sleeping two nights in a row, had a sour belly most of yesterday, and I do have a headache.)
The bigger result, though, seems to be that I'm glad I did it because I learned that I'd really rather not do it. I'd rather eat real food, as boring as it is, that nourishes my body and makes me feel better. At the end of the day, the taste and experience of chocolate just wasn't worth it...and it wasn't even remotely all that it was cracked up to be.
Now, I'm not stupid. One of the biggest dangers about chocolate has always been that it's a bit of a gateway drug for me. Usually one bar triggers an avalanche, and so I know I'm going to have to be on gaurd for cravings for the next couple of days. In fact, just yesterday in my allergist's office I told Alyssa, the nurse-practitioner, that I just didn't think even 100% dark chocolate was a good idea for me for that very reason. You don't tempt an addict. Period, end of story. For that reason alone, yesterday was pretty damn stupid of me. I shouldn't have bought the bar in the first place, and given that I did I should have turned it over to Sean immediately.
The more I think about it, the happier I am that I did eat that chocolate bar. I'm not going to count it against myself at all because I think it was a valuable lesson. The trick is to make sure that I remember what I learned, and that I use that information to keep myself moving forward in a positive, health-affirming direction.
(The great news is that the whole experience was so overwhelmingly negative that I've had no further temptaions or cravings. I feel like I am just done. Talk to me again about that in the future when I've holidays or celbrations to attend with no 'fun' foods...but for now, I'm quite happy to say that I am perfectly content to remain in compliance and it no longer bothers me that I had to give up chocolate. As that lesson was VERY valuable to me, I am still considering myself to be in full compliance...38 days and gowing strong!)